Post by neodevimon on Aug 31, 2011 20:25:35 GMT -5
I'm sorry, but you got a Mary Sue on your hands here. I'd suggest a huge revamp or just scrap her for someone new. We've all made Mary Sues in the past, so it's okay, but this is why I cannot bring myself to accept this character at all. Below I've written reasons why if you would like to know, but unfortunately it is a lot. Some of it really isn't the character themselves, but the writing itself - which is easily fixed! - but yeah...
There... sorry about that, but we DO want our players to do well with their characters >:
Okay ah... "blue as the stars at night" that is purple-prose-ish and it kind of came out of nowhere. Nowhere else in this paragraph are you being descriptive in comparison to other things, so it kinda pops up out of nowhere and seems unfortunately obnoxious. Especially considering that stars are not blue, they are white. I will admit, stars are many different colors, but after going through our ozone layer and being that tiny, they really are just white.
I can understand the teeth part when it comes to never smoking and drinking, but not the hands part, I know a lot of smokers and drinkers with very clean hands. Clean teeth too, but oh well, I can still understand that better than the hands. One thing that should be noted, however, is.. isn't she too young for those things anyway? And actually I believe that in that country it's illegal to drink EVER. Not sure about smoking, though.
Ignoring the eyes and hands comment, everything feels very choppy. Most of your sentences are short and clipped, it just doesn't flow nicely. The first sentence could go nicely with the third sentence instead of leaving them separated like that. "Arya has a fair complexion and light blonde hair that she wears long, usually in a ponytail." Also, notice I knocked away the comma you had used in the first sentence. Now I love my commas too so I make mistakes like that all the time, but usually they are only used in places of pausing or a dramatic sentence change. When you have it accompanying 'ands' and 'ors,' they really only need to be used if there is more than one of them in the same sentence.
Moving onto your second appearance paragraph, your first sentence is... well... not so good. "Arya is almost always seen in tomboyish garb, not only due to convenience but to better understand her twin brother Siyamak." That sentence flows much nicer, see? It seems like what you have here was crammed together quickly. How is it, however, that she dresses like a boy but dresses up in skirts? A girl does not need to be considered a tomboy simply because they do not wear dresses. I dunno maybe I'm ragging too much at this point, but I hate seeing the term 'tomboy' be thrown around so unnecessarily. I've seen it too much.
I have one more extremely important thing to add, but I will put that at the end of this, for now I will move onto her personality.
You repeated yourself in the first two sentences. Also you broke away to talk about cute things. Separate those into two different paragraphs. Usually that's how paragraphs work, from what I've been learning with writing. Instead, you've broken away from the 'violent but calm' tendencies to talk about her love for cute things in the same paragraph only to jump back and talk about it again in the second paragraph. Try expanding on it instead, and then adding that first part of the second paragraph to it.
Again, an unnecessary comma I'd like to point out, you can knock the one out of the "She is very playful around him(no comma here kay? =D) and very funny. Your sentences in the Personality are less choppy than the first one, though, flow a bit nicer, so that's good.
And I just noticed one thing, speaking backwards? How did she learn to do that so easily? Even if you know a language very well, that is not an easy thing to do at all (believe me, I've tried AND practiced). What got her to learn how to do that? And speaking to people in her 'native language' should not be much of a mind game. After all, the people around her have to speak the same language if she knows it so well, right? I dunno, that part just caught my eye so I had to comment on it.
Hargh I keep seeing more. How is it that she is stiff and restricted around others, but willing to talk about her life and other people's lives?
And her name.... ah.... it's... I'm sorry, very Mary Sue.
OKAY DONE WITH THE PERSONALITY, MOVING ONTO HISTORY!
Why is it that their parents left them alone like that? But only visited occasionally? Why is this? Might want to explain more about this. You also repeated yourself about the digimon partner part, but kept it separated between the first paragraph and the last. Also, you spelled 'whole' instead of 'hole'. Why is it that they had to leave? This is not explained either. If their parents were never around, why would they take them with?
This... I cannot even be nice about this, I'm sorry but... This isn't a 1930's Disney film, this is future digimon. Animals, doesn't matter how nice you sing, do not run around and provide you with food and warmth. I mean a dog might cuddle with you and stuff, but this... yeah.
You keep saying that they are distant from each other, yet at the same time they are so very trusting of each other. This does not make much sense at all. Explain?
I think there are border regulations against bringing pets - especially exotic ones - to other countries. I don't know what animals, but something tells me that a predator like an owl and two venomous creatures would be a good guess to being those kinds of animals. I don't think they would have even been able to bring them at all. And I've been to airports (assuming that is how they got to Japan...), they are hella paranoid. They would have found them. Admittedly, I've never been to one in the Middle-East, so hell I could be wrong. But I really... REALLY doubt that these animals would be able to make the trip.
One final thing I just cannot ignore is the part about Persia. Persia no longer exists as Persia, it's now called Iran. They renamed it several years ago, I learned this in college my first semester.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Women_in_Iran
Please refer to this wiki page when it comes to women in Iran (this also goes back to that last part I mentioned about appearance). Its more cultural for an Iranian woman not to dress what they'd consider 'scandalous' - which would be anything without most of their skin being covered - capris and tank tops aren't gonna fly.
Please please PLEASE if you are going to be using an exotic culture, do your research. We allow artistic creativity, but this was too much. At this point you didn't even use the correct name of the country, and only seemed to have given it the name for no other reason than for it to be interesting.
), they are hella paranoid. They would have found them. Admittedly, I've never been to one in the Middle-East, so hell I could be wrong. But I really... REALLY doubt that these animals would be able to make the trip.There... sorry about that, but we DO want our players to do well with their characters >: